Answers to the "Frazzled Mom" question 12-04-06
By Heather Idoni
Sunday, December 03, 2006
These are ALL the answers I received to the "Frazzled Mom" question in the Dec. 1st issue.
Disclaimer: I am presenting these UNEDITED answers in the order they were received from readers. I do not necessarily endorse or recommend the advice or opinions given.
***HIGH Christian content***
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I don't think it's asking too much at all for a husband to help around the house and with the children. It's called being part of a family. As stay at home moms we face a stigma of people thinking we sit around doing nothing all day. This is far from the truth. If my husband was like this, here is what I would do. First I would make a list of everything I do in a typical day and write down how much time it takes for each task. I did this one time and it turns out I typically am working 14 hours a day. This really opened my husband's eyes and I was just doing it for fun. Then I would sit down with my husband and show him what I typically do in a day. Then I would explain to him how important it is to the children's well being for them to see a male role model that is fully engaged in helping to take care of the house and children and contributing to their education. I would also cover any other issues such as the one my husband threw at me one time--"I'm making all the money, why can't you do all the housework"? For this I explained how much money I was saving i.e. shopping sales, not having the clothes my friends have, not using as much gas, etc. as well as everything I do to bring in money such as babysitting occasionally and selling our unwanted items on the Internet. Every husband should be fully engaged in family life by taking on some of the responsibility of running a household.
Also, are the children doing chores as well? I have a 6 yo and he has designated chores every day. Part of homeschooling for us is teaching responsibility to our children from a very early age.
Ann in Indiana
Also, are the children doing chores as well? I have a 6 yo and he has designated chores every day. Part of homeschooling for us is teaching responsibility to our children from a very early age.
Ann in Indiana
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Your problem is a problem I share. My husband does not really support my desire to homeschool and never really has. He does nothing to help me and often distracts the children while we are trying to do our work. I do not know how old you children are, but even young children can help in many ways. Children should have chores to teach them responsibility. They should pick up after themselves. They will not learn these things if you do it for them. Giving them responsibilities helps you and them. They need to learn and you need the help.
The way I feel about it is my responsibility is to cook, clean, do laundry and school my children. If I do these things then their "needs" should be met. In the morning, I try to take something out for dinner to thaw. While we do school work, I do the laundry. If the kids need my help with something at the time, they can take a break. It does not take long to change over a couple of loads of laundry. You will not usually get any argument from them there either! You can also clean the kitchen and such while they are doing their work. I have a second grader who needs a lot of time, but even she can do some work on her own. On Thursdays, we are in town all day. I try to make their school load lighter and my load. Either I do not cook and we eat sandwiches or I fix something easy like a frozen complete meal or frozen chicken strips and fries. If there are other things that do not get done, do not worry about them. You just worry about necessities. Although I cannot stand to procrastinate, sometimes you have to put things off until a more convenient time comes along, like the weekend. By fulfilling your responsibilities, you are doing what God wishes and that is all you should worry about. Homeschooling should be flexible, that is why it is homeschooling. You are in control. If you are stressed, your children will be also.
I have no advice to get your husband to help, because mine does not either. But just realize that you can do your responsibilities and do not worry about extra projects. To me, my family comes first. Before I take on any outside projects like volunteering, I will see to it that I can take care of MY family's needs. God wants you to help people learn about Him, but there are many ways that you can do this without stressing yourself, such as just leading by a good example. If for no one else, your children. My husband nor his family respects my homeschooling, but I want what I think is best for my children. I believe that God led me to this opportunity and with His help, I will complete this job.
My advice is, if you are taking care of your family's "needs" (not necessarily wants), then relax, set a slow but steady pace for homeschooling and if the children do not learn all of their "book work" one day, think of other things that they may have learned. How to cook, clean, take care of animals (needs of others),how to take care of a home, to shop etc. and help Mom. There is more to teach your children in homeschooling than just "book smarts". By your example, they will learn how to live, love and be Godly people.
So please do not stress and if you do not have help from your husband, be sure that your children are at least carrying their weight. They will learn from this and not be like your husband. (Not meaning to sound mean.) They will be helpful and responsible adults one day.
It looks like you have only one girl now, but that may change. Just be patient and get your necessities done. I have three children and even my 3 year old is a big help when he picks up after himself. He can help clean the living room or pick things up around the kitchen. The children are usually who makes the mess in the first place, so do not feel like you are putting them out.
One more thing too, your children will one day appreciate your hard work and the effort that you have put out for them. They will know that you are the one who had been there and will be very close to your for it. My children are 13 ds, 7 dd, and 3 ds, and already we are very close and when they need something, it is me that they know they can count on. My husband is a bit jealous of that, but it is his own doing. My prayers are with you, God bless, Tracey in Texas
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Firstly, you should give thanks that you have a husband that is not forcing you to send them to "regular" school...so you do have the opportunity to be home with your children, which is a huge blessing. It is not easy!! There are days which flow better than others, but if you believe strongly in homeschooling, then pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, look for a homeschool association in your area--even if you find one other mom you could link up with, it is so helpful. And try your best not to harbor resentment towards your husband because everyone suffers in that situation. Homeschooling is a learning experience for all involved. If you are positive, he may learn something and want to get involved! Teach the kids massage so when he comes home, everyone can give daddy some relief from being at work all day! I need to take my own advice! Mama in Philly
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I completely understand how you feel. I have found myself many days wanting to give up before lunchtime because my house is in disarray and my children are getting out of control. The laundry needs done, but my son's not doing his math. My youngest in in the trash, but the other son needs help with writing. How do you find a balance? Usually when I feel this way I end up emailing my husband or thinking "when is he getting home, I need his help"!! Well, I went to a homeschool conference just last month and was given another perspective. The last session was "Loving your husband" and the comment was made that as the lady of the house I am supposed to be my husband's suitable helper, see Gen. 2:18, our household is his responsibility and I am to help him maintain it for our family. I've heard all this before, but this shed light on the matter I had been missing. I was constantly wondering, why is he interested in this stuff, why am I doing all the homeschooling, why can't he help me with (fill in the blank)? All that said, try this - ask "what can I do today that would be a real help to my husband? What is something he'd want me to get done today?" I've also tried asking my husband if he needs anything done, most of the time he doesn't have anything, but I think it's nice for him to know that I want to be his helper and take care of things as he sees fit for our family. Remember he is made to be the leader of the family and you the first follower. I really believe as you follow willingly (submissively!) your children will, too, and your whole family will be blessed.
The way I feel about it is my responsibility is to cook, clean, do laundry and school my children. If I do these things then their "needs" should be met. In the morning, I try to take something out for dinner to thaw. While we do school work, I do the laundry. If the kids need my help with something at the time, they can take a break. It does not take long to change over a couple of loads of laundry. You will not usually get any argument from them there either! You can also clean the kitchen and such while they are doing their work. I have a second grader who needs a lot of time, but even she can do some work on her own. On Thursdays, we are in town all day. I try to make their school load lighter and my load. Either I do not cook and we eat sandwiches or I fix something easy like a frozen complete meal or frozen chicken strips and fries. If there are other things that do not get done, do not worry about them. You just worry about necessities. Although I cannot stand to procrastinate, sometimes you have to put things off until a more convenient time comes along, like the weekend. By fulfilling your responsibilities, you are doing what God wishes and that is all you should worry about. Homeschooling should be flexible, that is why it is homeschooling. You are in control. If you are stressed, your children will be also.
I have no advice to get your husband to help, because mine does not either. But just realize that you can do your responsibilities and do not worry about extra projects. To me, my family comes first. Before I take on any outside projects like volunteering, I will see to it that I can take care of MY family's needs. God wants you to help people learn about Him, but there are many ways that you can do this without stressing yourself, such as just leading by a good example. If for no one else, your children. My husband nor his family respects my homeschooling, but I want what I think is best for my children. I believe that God led me to this opportunity and with His help, I will complete this job.
My advice is, if you are taking care of your family's "needs" (not necessarily wants), then relax, set a slow but steady pace for homeschooling and if the children do not learn all of their "book work" one day, think of other things that they may have learned. How to cook, clean, take care of animals (needs of others),how to take care of a home, to shop etc. and help Mom. There is more to teach your children in homeschooling than just "book smarts". By your example, they will learn how to live, love and be Godly people.
So please do not stress and if you do not have help from your husband, be sure that your children are at least carrying their weight. They will learn from this and not be like your husband. (Not meaning to sound mean.) They will be helpful and responsible adults one day.
It looks like you have only one girl now, but that may change. Just be patient and get your necessities done. I have three children and even my 3 year old is a big help when he picks up after himself. He can help clean the living room or pick things up around the kitchen. The children are usually who makes the mess in the first place, so do not feel like you are putting them out.
One more thing too, your children will one day appreciate your hard work and the effort that you have put out for them. They will know that you are the one who had been there and will be very close to your for it. My children are 13 ds, 7 dd, and 3 ds, and already we are very close and when they need something, it is me that they know they can count on. My husband is a bit jealous of that, but it is his own doing. My prayers are with you, God bless, Tracey in Texas
---
Firstly, you should give thanks that you have a husband that is not forcing you to send them to "regular" school...so you do have the opportunity to be home with your children, which is a huge blessing. It is not easy!! There are days which flow better than others, but if you believe strongly in homeschooling, then pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, look for a homeschool association in your area--even if you find one other mom you could link up with, it is so helpful. And try your best not to harbor resentment towards your husband because everyone suffers in that situation. Homeschooling is a learning experience for all involved. If you are positive, he may learn something and want to get involved! Teach the kids massage so when he comes home, everyone can give daddy some relief from being at work all day! I need to take my own advice! Mama in Philly
---
I completely understand how you feel. I have found myself many days wanting to give up before lunchtime because my house is in disarray and my children are getting out of control. The laundry needs done, but my son's not doing his math. My youngest in in the trash, but the other son needs help with writing. How do you find a balance? Usually when I feel this way I end up emailing my husband or thinking "when is he getting home, I need his help"!! Well, I went to a homeschool conference just last month and was given another perspective. The last session was "Loving your husband" and the comment was made that as the lady of the house I am supposed to be my husband's suitable helper, see Gen. 2:18, our household is his responsibility and I am to help him maintain it for our family. I've heard all this before, but this shed light on the matter I had been missing. I was constantly wondering, why is he interested in this stuff, why am I doing all the homeschooling, why can't he help me with (fill in the blank)? All that said, try this - ask "what can I do today that would be a real help to my husband? What is something he'd want me to get done today?" I've also tried asking my husband if he needs anything done, most of the time he doesn't have anything, but I think it's nice for him to know that I want to be his helper and take care of things as he sees fit for our family. Remember he is made to be the leader of the family and you the first follower. I really believe as you follow willingly (submissively!) your children will, too, and your whole family will be blessed.
More info on this homeschooling conference and useful resources - www.titus2.com
Good bless in all you do for His glory! Dawn-Marie
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What makes you think that you HAVE to do it all? I have learned the valuable word --NO-- I don't spend my time making excuses and apologies when I am unable to add more to my day. You alone have the job of setting priorities and making choices. Eliminate all but the essentials then you can add is you want or need without having to find time where none exists. I would also suggest having the children step up. We often expect so little out of our little ones when they need the repsonsiblity. You will not injure your child by having them complete jobs around the house or outside. Use wisely what God has entrusted to you at all times -- staci in oregon
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Dear Frazzled,
My husband has never been directly involved in schooling our children. He and I are both equally enthusiastic about homeschooling, but we understood from the start that he is the provider who goes out to work everyday and I am the mom/teacher who stays home. This is part of what I do as a wife and mother, like cooking or cleaning. It is part of my role as a helpmeet to my husband. I am 46, have been homeschooling for 17 years I have counseled with so many young moms over the years who feel like you. Usually, when we dig a little, it turns out that most of them were trying to juggle way too many things during the week. Outside lessons, field trips, play dates, on top of the day to day obligations as a keeper at home. What I would suggest is that you take a good look at your calendar and your daily routine. Are you trying to fit too much in? Maybe you need to relax your school schedule a bit and focus only on the basics. If you can't be home at least two days in a row during the week, you are probably overloaded and overwhelmed. What can you trim from your schedule so that you can have more restful days at home rather than running from one thing to another. Our first priorities, according to Titus 2, are to love our husbands, love our children and be keepers at home. If we are so busy that we cannot even keep our homes reasonably maintained (NOT perfect, but within reason), then we are too busy. Give yourself the gift of time and see how you can simplify your school and outside activity schedule and you will find that life becomes much more peaceful. :)
Lisa Vitello
www.newharvesthomestead.com
My husband has never been directly involved in schooling our children. He and I are both equally enthusiastic about homeschooling, but we understood from the start that he is the provider who goes out to work everyday and I am the mom/teacher who stays home. This is part of what I do as a wife and mother, like cooking or cleaning. It is part of my role as a helpmeet to my husband. I am 46, have been homeschooling for 17 years I have counseled with so many young moms over the years who feel like you. Usually, when we dig a little, it turns out that most of them were trying to juggle way too many things during the week. Outside lessons, field trips, play dates, on top of the day to day obligations as a keeper at home. What I would suggest is that you take a good look at your calendar and your daily routine. Are you trying to fit too much in? Maybe you need to relax your school schedule a bit and focus only on the basics. If you can't be home at least two days in a row during the week, you are probably overloaded and overwhelmed. What can you trim from your schedule so that you can have more restful days at home rather than running from one thing to another. Our first priorities, according to Titus 2, are to love our husbands, love our children and be keepers at home. If we are so busy that we cannot even keep our homes reasonably maintained (NOT perfect, but within reason), then we are too busy. Give yourself the gift of time and see how you can simplify your school and outside activity schedule and you will find that life becomes much more peaceful. :)
Lisa Vitello
www.newharvesthomestead.com
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I feel for you! We have six children, ranging in age from 5 months to 20 years. The 20 year old no longer lives with us, but I am currently homeschooling grades 1, 5, 9, and 12 along with nursing a baby. Everything from going to the dump and mowing the lawns to cooking and managing the finances is my responsibility. My husband doesn't know who our insurance carrier is or how to turn on our washing machine. Until the 5th child was born I also worked full-time in the evenings at the hospital or from home in between lessons. My husband's family was also strongly against homeschooling and encouraged him to discourage me. I grew very resentful! The biggest change had to come from within me first. As I began to embrace the relationship I enjoyed with our children, instead of viewing teaching them as just another one of my chores, I found the resentment ebbing away. Then, as my husband saw the closeness the kids and I were enjoying as they worked along side me in the evenings he wanted in on it, too!
Practically speaking, I found it much easier to do the dump runs, lawn mowing, gardening, etc., very early in the morning, before we started school. I had the kids come along side me and learn (the living lab of a garden and yard teaches so much more than a science textbook) and killed two birds with one stone so to speak. They were also learning to take over that chore for me! A fast paced music put on immediately after school got everyone up and shaking out that "I've been sitting for too long" feeling and energized us all to get the house cleaned up quickly. I tried to make it fun. As for meals, I learned to love my crockpot and even cook dessert in it now. Every single one of my kids learned fractions by helping cook dinner. All of these chores are vital life skills that they need to know anyway. Once the kids were old enough to stay home alone I turned dump runs and errands into a date! My husband and I have very little time together, so I suggested that we go to the dump on Saturday mornings (I snuck in a few errands--"Honey, do you mind if we swing by and pay the car insurance while we're out?") and treat ourselves to a coffee and some uninterrupted conversation--he loved the idea.
It has taken some time to get where we are now, but my husband is becoming more of an active participant in our home. It all takes baby steps though. I think the most important thing to do is remember that many husbands did not see a good model of a loving leader and active father; they believe their job is to just bring home a paycheck. My husband has even remarked that he needs me to help him because all he knows is what his dad did. Since God created us to be their helpers we just need to find ways of gently helping our men see how important their presence and physical assistance is to us and our children.
Lisa
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Hi, My husband is not as involved as some husbands are. He goes to work, ask how our day went and helps me with household chores and task because it doesn;t work if he tries to help teach. My kids don't like the way he teaches and neither do I . So we made a consensus that he doesn't help with it. It is easier on me if he doesn't ( and the children) but if he didn't help with the chores I coudn't do everything alone. So yes You can do it alone but I don't think you can or should do everything alone! Yes he works all day but we look at it as I do too, And he also lives here so he helps . I hope this helps . Pray and rest in the Lord. It is he who wants this for his children (yours) so he will get you through. Sandy
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I went through the same thing until my husband got laid off and the Lord trapped him at home with me and the kids. It was an answer to my prayers, but it has come at a high price financially and materially. My husband tried to start his own business when he got laid off. It didn't prosper. Finally, the Lord told him to lay down his Isaac. He knew that meant his business. He had to spend time in the house with me and the kids. He still didn't know what to do with us until a couple from Nigeria talked to him and told him to make sure my needs were met before he did anything else. When they called him on the phone, the first thing they asked him was, "How is your wife?". That made him start paying more attention to me and how I was doing. I don't know how God will work these things in your life, but I know that everything that happened to us was an answer to my prayers that my husband would become more involved with me and the kids (in homeschooling and everything else). He started doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking. He developed an appreciation for all I had been doing by myself all those years after he started doing some of it. He doesn't do much as far as helping with homeschooling, but he still does a lot of the grocery shopping and cooking and helps me discipline the kids and makes them do their chores. We lived by faith for 4 years with no income. He learned a lot about being an involved husband and father. We ended up losing our house after 4 years, but God is using that for His purposes, too. All things work together for good to them that love the Lord. I'm thankful for the relationship and closeness my husband and I have now. And the whole experience has produced amazing spiritual fruit in my children. It came at a very high price in the world's eyes, and it was very difficult to go through, but it's all worth it when I see what it accomplished. I guess I'm saying pray about it, but don't be surprised if God uses some extreme measures that make you think about taking it back! But if you let God have His way, you'll see wonderful fruit in your own life, your husband's, in your marriage and in your children. -Penney
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We have five children, ages 8-16 and have been homeschooling for 12 years now. My husband is supportive of homeschooling & would have it no other way. However, he has never helped me, even when I've asked in tears of exhaustion or frustration. He is a good man & means well, but help never comes.
My first word of advice would be to come to terms with your husband & accept him as he is, if you have not already. There is certainly a time for a respectful appeal, but you'll do yourself, your husband, and your children a favor by accepting things as they are if he does not willingly change. I struggled greatly with bitterness & disrespectfulness in my heart toward my husband for years because of my wrong response to his not helping me. A book called Love & Respect helped me more than anything. I highly recommend it. The Lord has so changed my thinking through this wonderful resource.
The second thing I'd recommend is cutting unnecessary things from your schedule and focusing on your home, if you have not done that already. Any activities we are involved in must be something all of the children can participate in. Regardless of how many good things pop up, we do not participate if they can't do it together. We try to only have one day a week where we leave the house. That is our goal, but doctor's appointments many times cause us to have to leave more than we'd prefer.
I feel it is very important to teach & train your children in character and chores as well as you can while they are young. I have many health problems and my children willingly do an enormous amount of our work.
I feel none of us can "do everything". We are all just doing the best we can with what we have and asking the Lord to fill in the gaps. Homeschooling is not an easy task, but is so rewarding. I experience my fair share of frustration, but try to remember that as Christian homeschooling mothers, we are attempting and expecting more of ourselves than Christian women have ever done before. I also take comfort in the fact that the Proverbs 31 woman did not achieve all of the things listed during one season of her life. I truly feel all of those things were accomplished over the span of her entire life. For me, the main thing has been getting my attitude and relationship right with my husband. That alone affects so many other areas. In my most frustrating times, I try to remember to call out to the Lord for help & focus on Him, remembering that He will "keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee."
God bless you as you seek Him!
Rhonda
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You are not alone! I want to offer some encouragement. I have been homeschooling for 18 years, and at times I have felt as you do. I don't know your children's ages, but are they able to share with some of the chores? Also, I have generally taken Fridays off from academics, and used the day to clean bedrooms, bathrooms, mop floors, etc. When my children were younger I kept a chart of designated household duties, for each child. Even a young one can learn to help pick-up his own toys.Try to keep your home free from unnecessary clutter. This makes a clean and orderly home easier to maintain. All this said, homeschooling IS hard work, but always remember, 'nothing worthwhile is achieved easily.' You CAN do this and have a happy, well-adjusted family. Blessings! Lori
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Wow, this question really rings a bell. My husband also does not help with schooling or any day to day housework, he makes the paycheck, and mows the lawns, and takes care of odd things like car maintenance, so I hear where you are comming from. Your question did not say if your husband supports your homeschooling, mine really does, he wants the kids to be under our care completely, so that is a help. I truly believe the husband is to help with schooling and that means more than a paycheck, men really miss out on alot by not participating, so I try to have compassion towards him, instead of frustration, as his life is less rich due to his lack of participation. I also realize that only God can work in a person to get them to do or not do something, so I have learned to stop wanting his help, but just do the important jobs to the best of my ability and get to the other not so important stuff (like spring cleaning) when I have the time. I do not let myself feel guilty anymore when the house is not picked up perfect when he comes home at night, or when dinner is a simple meal instead of a 5 course affair. So the best advise I can give is to give yourself a break, do not be super woman, be super mom, while also being kind and tender to your husband.
Anna
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Hello fellow frazzled mom:
Practically speaking, I found it much easier to do the dump runs, lawn mowing, gardening, etc., very early in the morning, before we started school. I had the kids come along side me and learn (the living lab of a garden and yard teaches so much more than a science textbook) and killed two birds with one stone so to speak. They were also learning to take over that chore for me! A fast paced music put on immediately after school got everyone up and shaking out that "I've been sitting for too long" feeling and energized us all to get the house cleaned up quickly. I tried to make it fun. As for meals, I learned to love my crockpot and even cook dessert in it now. Every single one of my kids learned fractions by helping cook dinner. All of these chores are vital life skills that they need to know anyway. Once the kids were old enough to stay home alone I turned dump runs and errands into a date! My husband and I have very little time together, so I suggested that we go to the dump on Saturday mornings (I snuck in a few errands--"Honey, do you mind if we swing by and pay the car insurance while we're out?") and treat ourselves to a coffee and some uninterrupted conversation--he loved the idea.
It has taken some time to get where we are now, but my husband is becoming more of an active participant in our home. It all takes baby steps though. I think the most important thing to do is remember that many husbands did not see a good model of a loving leader and active father; they believe their job is to just bring home a paycheck. My husband has even remarked that he needs me to help him because all he knows is what his dad did. Since God created us to be their helpers we just need to find ways of gently helping our men see how important their presence and physical assistance is to us and our children.
Lisa
---
Hi, My husband is not as involved as some husbands are. He goes to work, ask how our day went and helps me with household chores and task because it doesn;t work if he tries to help teach. My kids don't like the way he teaches and neither do I . So we made a consensus that he doesn't help with it. It is easier on me if he doesn't ( and the children) but if he didn't help with the chores I coudn't do everything alone. So yes You can do it alone but I don't think you can or should do everything alone! Yes he works all day but we look at it as I do too, And he also lives here so he helps . I hope this helps . Pray and rest in the Lord. It is he who wants this for his children (yours) so he will get you through. Sandy
---
I went through the same thing until my husband got laid off and the Lord trapped him at home with me and the kids. It was an answer to my prayers, but it has come at a high price financially and materially. My husband tried to start his own business when he got laid off. It didn't prosper. Finally, the Lord told him to lay down his Isaac. He knew that meant his business. He had to spend time in the house with me and the kids. He still didn't know what to do with us until a couple from Nigeria talked to him and told him to make sure my needs were met before he did anything else. When they called him on the phone, the first thing they asked him was, "How is your wife?". That made him start paying more attention to me and how I was doing. I don't know how God will work these things in your life, but I know that everything that happened to us was an answer to my prayers that my husband would become more involved with me and the kids (in homeschooling and everything else). He started doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking. He developed an appreciation for all I had been doing by myself all those years after he started doing some of it. He doesn't do much as far as helping with homeschooling, but he still does a lot of the grocery shopping and cooking and helps me discipline the kids and makes them do their chores. We lived by faith for 4 years with no income. He learned a lot about being an involved husband and father. We ended up losing our house after 4 years, but God is using that for His purposes, too. All things work together for good to them that love the Lord. I'm thankful for the relationship and closeness my husband and I have now. And the whole experience has produced amazing spiritual fruit in my children. It came at a very high price in the world's eyes, and it was very difficult to go through, but it's all worth it when I see what it accomplished. I guess I'm saying pray about it, but don't be surprised if God uses some extreme measures that make you think about taking it back! But if you let God have His way, you'll see wonderful fruit in your own life, your husband's, in your marriage and in your children. -Penney
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We have five children, ages 8-16 and have been homeschooling for 12 years now. My husband is supportive of homeschooling & would have it no other way. However, he has never helped me, even when I've asked in tears of exhaustion or frustration. He is a good man & means well, but help never comes.
My first word of advice would be to come to terms with your husband & accept him as he is, if you have not already. There is certainly a time for a respectful appeal, but you'll do yourself, your husband, and your children a favor by accepting things as they are if he does not willingly change. I struggled greatly with bitterness & disrespectfulness in my heart toward my husband for years because of my wrong response to his not helping me. A book called Love & Respect helped me more than anything. I highly recommend it. The Lord has so changed my thinking through this wonderful resource.
The second thing I'd recommend is cutting unnecessary things from your schedule and focusing on your home, if you have not done that already. Any activities we are involved in must be something all of the children can participate in. Regardless of how many good things pop up, we do not participate if they can't do it together. We try to only have one day a week where we leave the house. That is our goal, but doctor's appointments many times cause us to have to leave more than we'd prefer.
I feel it is very important to teach & train your children in character and chores as well as you can while they are young. I have many health problems and my children willingly do an enormous amount of our work.
I feel none of us can "do everything". We are all just doing the best we can with what we have and asking the Lord to fill in the gaps. Homeschooling is not an easy task, but is so rewarding. I experience my fair share of frustration, but try to remember that as Christian homeschooling mothers, we are attempting and expecting more of ourselves than Christian women have ever done before. I also take comfort in the fact that the Proverbs 31 woman did not achieve all of the things listed during one season of her life. I truly feel all of those things were accomplished over the span of her entire life. For me, the main thing has been getting my attitude and relationship right with my husband. That alone affects so many other areas. In my most frustrating times, I try to remember to call out to the Lord for help & focus on Him, remembering that He will "keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee."
God bless you as you seek Him!
Rhonda
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You are not alone! I want to offer some encouragement. I have been homeschooling for 18 years, and at times I have felt as you do. I don't know your children's ages, but are they able to share with some of the chores? Also, I have generally taken Fridays off from academics, and used the day to clean bedrooms, bathrooms, mop floors, etc. When my children were younger I kept a chart of designated household duties, for each child. Even a young one can learn to help pick-up his own toys.Try to keep your home free from unnecessary clutter. This makes a clean and orderly home easier to maintain. All this said, homeschooling IS hard work, but always remember, 'nothing worthwhile is achieved easily.' You CAN do this and have a happy, well-adjusted family. Blessings! Lori
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Wow, this question really rings a bell. My husband also does not help with schooling or any day to day housework, he makes the paycheck, and mows the lawns, and takes care of odd things like car maintenance, so I hear where you are comming from. Your question did not say if your husband supports your homeschooling, mine really does, he wants the kids to be under our care completely, so that is a help. I truly believe the husband is to help with schooling and that means more than a paycheck, men really miss out on alot by not participating, so I try to have compassion towards him, instead of frustration, as his life is less rich due to his lack of participation. I also realize that only God can work in a person to get them to do or not do something, so I have learned to stop wanting his help, but just do the important jobs to the best of my ability and get to the other not so important stuff (like spring cleaning) when I have the time. I do not let myself feel guilty anymore when the house is not picked up perfect when he comes home at night, or when dinner is a simple meal instead of a 5 course affair. So the best advise I can give is to give yourself a break, do not be super woman, be super mom, while also being kind and tender to your husband.
Anna
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Hello fellow frazzled mom:
I think the first step to a calm heart on the issue is to try to see things from God's lofty perspective. He certainly doesn't believe that any parent "does it all", even the lucky mothers who can stay home and work on their house and family projects while the kids are at school. There's always more to do than time to do it in, and the main problem we all share is having our priorieties not consistantly matching up with His. While it is fine to want to bless your family with a clean welcoming home, chores done, house sparkling, home cooked nutritious meals always ready at the right time . . . you know, what we might see as the perfect home - that is not God's number one goal. What He wants most for us a great relationship with Him first and then with our family second. Then we extend that great love with all who are willing to partake. I think you wanting to homeschool is a great step of faith towards building up those relationships, and you should never sell yourself short on courage, tenacity, or intelligence.
Secondly, I think the best attitude towards your husband's lack of involvement is to give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve for the family's loss, and then start to rebuild your life leaning on God all the way. That's the process I'm in the middle of right now. I'm starting to see my husband as a child, as we all are His children, and that while his certain flaws and weakness may hurt the family, he may develop new strengths over time, and whether he does or not, I know God would not put me in an impossible situation. Our father is strong enough for any troubles that come into our lives and He cares infinately more for my children than I ever could - every aspect of raising them will be "right" if I'm right with Him.
Thirdly, there are great support groups like this one, so don't let yourself get isolated or hopeless. You may need a change, like moving from a registered homeschool teacher to an enrolled family at a homelearners center, or the other way around. Allow yourself to recieve grace on any issue that you feel is not working. What has also worked for me is to simply do less until I feel I can manage, and then pray hard before adding anything back. The best education we can give our children is how to shine through the tough times.
Secondly, I think the best attitude towards your husband's lack of involvement is to give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve for the family's loss, and then start to rebuild your life leaning on God all the way. That's the process I'm in the middle of right now. I'm starting to see my husband as a child, as we all are His children, and that while his certain flaws and weakness may hurt the family, he may develop new strengths over time, and whether he does or not, I know God would not put me in an impossible situation. Our father is strong enough for any troubles that come into our lives and He cares infinately more for my children than I ever could - every aspect of raising them will be "right" if I'm right with Him.
Thirdly, there are great support groups like this one, so don't let yourself get isolated or hopeless. You may need a change, like moving from a registered homeschool teacher to an enrolled family at a homelearners center, or the other way around. Allow yourself to recieve grace on any issue that you feel is not working. What has also worked for me is to simply do less until I feel I can manage, and then pray hard before adding anything back. The best education we can give our children is how to shine through the tough times.
May God bless your family and give you that wonderful heavenly peace that truely is beyond all understanding.
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Dear Frazzled
I understand where your coming from with the husband. If it is not his conviction to help then pray he will someday help. Pray that the Lord open your eyes, life is about teaching when your interacting with kids. So maybe he is not teaching them in a structured way but maybe he talks to them about bugs he used to catch, or about music, if not give it time and prayer. My husband who when we are financially crunched will mention that I made the decision to homeschool without him. I felt led to do so by the Lord. Whatever your reasons for homeschooling stick to it. IF the house is not clean enough for you then maybe you could get your kids to help, if there to young for big jobs have one bring you all the trash cans so you can dump. Also my husband is in charge of that outside, unless that is your passion. But ask him to help with that or other tasks in the house if not he might have to live with it mess.
Having a schedule of sorts my help you figure spots your wasting time. There are alot of days my house goes lived in, clean dirt (clean cloths unfolded), my mom was a neat freak and she had no time to play or teach me much. It is a delicate balance but what do you want your kids to remember that Mom was cleaning or memories of you spending time. Oh and by the way hang in there we all get frazzled from time to time.
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Dear Frazzled
I understand where your coming from with the husband. If it is not his conviction to help then pray he will someday help. Pray that the Lord open your eyes, life is about teaching when your interacting with kids. So maybe he is not teaching them in a structured way but maybe he talks to them about bugs he used to catch, or about music, if not give it time and prayer. My husband who when we are financially crunched will mention that I made the decision to homeschool without him. I felt led to do so by the Lord. Whatever your reasons for homeschooling stick to it. IF the house is not clean enough for you then maybe you could get your kids to help, if there to young for big jobs have one bring you all the trash cans so you can dump. Also my husband is in charge of that outside, unless that is your passion. But ask him to help with that or other tasks in the house if not he might have to live with it mess.
Having a schedule of sorts my help you figure spots your wasting time. There are alot of days my house goes lived in, clean dirt (clean cloths unfolded), my mom was a neat freak and she had no time to play or teach me much. It is a delicate balance but what do you want your kids to remember that Mom was cleaning or memories of you spending time. Oh and by the way hang in there we all get frazzled from time to time.
Diana in AZ
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My response for the frazzled Mom is:
I too exclusively homeschool our children.
It sounds as if you have 3 issues--keeping up the house, getting your husband to help and a heart condition.
As for the house--I pick some chores and do it once a week--sometimes it only gets done once every 2 weeks. Keep in mind it will NEVER BE ALL DONE. There are always more clothes to wash, beds to make, cleaning of the floor and certainly, running the dishwasher. Don't set yourself up to fail by thinking you can get it all done or that your neighbor some how does. She doesn't, neither will you.
On the practical side: my kids (at 4 and 6) help with lots of things and I have started teaching the older one to vacuum, sort laundry, make a sandwich, etc. My husband also helps too. In my house, I cook, he does dishes, or they will sit on the counter. I do not consider them a priority. I do the most important job--raise our children.
I also bathe the children exclusively (he has huge hands, believe it or not, and can not physically grip small items (which is how this became something I only do).
Chores are part of our homeschool. They are life and for me homeschool is life. Everyone needs to read, write, add, etc but also wash, cook, clean, etc.
As for your husband helping:
Really this is connected to Number 3 also--the heart condition. If he does not want to help, you can't make him nor do you want to really. He would be miserable and it would be unproductive. It may help to find something he does enjoy and have him help there. He might be more willing. I say this cautiously because you do not want to manipulate him into something. I am sure you want his genuine help. It sounds as if you have discussed this with him, but if you have not been clear with your needs and concerns do that too.
Truthfully there is only 2 things you can do. Pray and Check your heart. Pray that you would see what the Lord is teaching you (your heart condition) and for your husband to learn what he needs to learn (his condition). As for your heart (he is not hear for me to speak to) I will ask you: Are you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self controlled. If not you need to start there. I do not know you or your husband but more often than not the problem in homes is people not circumstances. Even if someone does what I want or if I do what they want neither of us will be satisfied. So there are plenty of sites to help you get organized but it is most important to the Lord for each of us to be Godly (see above list).
I wish I could give you some great advice to fix him and the house, but that would be getting between God and his child (you) and I try not to do that. It gets me into trouble in sooooooo many ways. If you do start to feel so discouraged that you need more input, advice, counsel, I pray you do seek that out.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Portland, OR
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My response for the frazzled Mom is:
I too exclusively homeschool our children.
It sounds as if you have 3 issues--keeping up the house, getting your husband to help and a heart condition.
As for the house--I pick some chores and do it once a week--sometimes it only gets done once every 2 weeks. Keep in mind it will NEVER BE ALL DONE. There are always more clothes to wash, beds to make, cleaning of the floor and certainly, running the dishwasher. Don't set yourself up to fail by thinking you can get it all done or that your neighbor some how does. She doesn't, neither will you.
On the practical side: my kids (at 4 and 6) help with lots of things and I have started teaching the older one to vacuum, sort laundry, make a sandwich, etc. My husband also helps too. In my house, I cook, he does dishes, or they will sit on the counter. I do not consider them a priority. I do the most important job--raise our children.
I also bathe the children exclusively (he has huge hands, believe it or not, and can not physically grip small items (which is how this became something I only do).
Chores are part of our homeschool. They are life and for me homeschool is life. Everyone needs to read, write, add, etc but also wash, cook, clean, etc.
As for your husband helping:
Really this is connected to Number 3 also--the heart condition. If he does not want to help, you can't make him nor do you want to really. He would be miserable and it would be unproductive. It may help to find something he does enjoy and have him help there. He might be more willing. I say this cautiously because you do not want to manipulate him into something. I am sure you want his genuine help. It sounds as if you have discussed this with him, but if you have not been clear with your needs and concerns do that too.
Truthfully there is only 2 things you can do. Pray and Check your heart. Pray that you would see what the Lord is teaching you (your heart condition) and for your husband to learn what he needs to learn (his condition). As for your heart (he is not hear for me to speak to) I will ask you: Are you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self controlled. If not you need to start there. I do not know you or your husband but more often than not the problem in homes is people not circumstances. Even if someone does what I want or if I do what they want neither of us will be satisfied. So there are plenty of sites to help you get organized but it is most important to the Lord for each of us to be Godly (see above list).
I wish I could give you some great advice to fix him and the house, but that would be getting between God and his child (you) and I try not to do that. It gets me into trouble in sooooooo many ways. If you do start to feel so discouraged that you need more input, advice, counsel, I pray you do seek that out.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Portland, OR